Harry Potter: The Owner's Guide
by RuleThyMi
Summary: If you’re thinking of purchasing a HARRY POTTER … you will find all of your questions answered HERE. Note: Harry Potter: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual is a PARODY.


A/N: This is a Manual in the style of the famed, loved, adored, idolized, worshipped Theresa Green of The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manuals to Aragorn, Boromir, The Hobbits, Gimili, and Legolas fame. She's given me permission to use it, YAY. 

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Well, chances are you don't either.

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**Harry Potter: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

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**Is the HARRY POTTER right for you? **

Before purchasing, you should determine whether or not the HARRY POTTER model is right for you. If you answer "Yes" to any of the following questions, you may want to rethink your choice. Suggestions are provided.

-----I value intelligent conversation. (Suggestion, a SEVERUS SNAPE or even a HERMIONE GRANGER if you don't care much about looks).

-----I plan on taking over the world. (The HARRY POTTER has a perplexing propensity to accidentally defeat evil. If you want someone to assist you in your evil plans, a BELLATRIX LESTRANGE is a good choice, seeing as if you purchased a TOM RIDDLE he would probably end up killing you if you got in his way, and if you purchased a LUCIUS MALFOY … well, let's just say nothing would ever get done. Nothing work-related, at least.)

-----My significant other is the jealous type. (A suggestion. Your HARRY POTTER has two modes, "fanon" and "canon." If you switch him to "fanon" mode, he will willingly and most happily crossdress for you in order to prove to Mr. Jealousy that he's just your new, er, maidservant.)

**Mk I and Mk II, What's the difference?**

Alright, so you've decided you definitely, really, really want one. Now, the choice lies before you.

Mk I HARRY POTTER - J.K. Rowling, 1997.

Or, Mk II HARRY POTTER, Daniel Radcliffe, 2001.

In the end, they look vaguely similar. Some clients, however, prefer one of the other. One of the main differences seems to be eye color, Mk. I having green and Mk. II having blue. (If you can't decided, no worries, just get contacts.)

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Harry Potter, The Boy who Lived, The Boy who wouldn't Keel Over and Die, The Boy who Scored, The Boy Wonder, Savior of the Wizarding World …

**Type:** Wizard (M?)

**Manufacturers:** Love/Hate, Inc, Division: Lily and James Potter.

**Date of Production: **July 31, 1980.

**Weapon Length:** 14"

**Accessories: **

Your HARRY POTTER comes from the factory with the following items!

Wand  
Broomstick  
A careworn, dog-eared copy of 'Quidditch in Bed'  
Ugly muggle clothing you will want to remove as soon as possible  
A year's supply of Midol

**Wait, what am I going to do with my HARRY POTTER?**

There are two clear uses of the HARRY POTTER model.

a) For you.  
b) For your second Model. This shall be referred to from now on as 'Muse Use.'

**-For You**

You will find the HARRY POTTER model is an excellent companion, although tempting him into intimacy can be quite hard. If he only kisses you after your boyfriend dies, when you are crying, or when your brother is around, you might want to switch him to 'fanon' mode and insist he call you 'Sue' from now on. Things will go swimmingly after that.

**-Muse Use**

Your HARRY POTTER and second Model of choice can put on quite a show. If you are a poor, museless fanfiction/fanart author, 24-hour surveillance of them is _necessary_. For artistic purposes, of course. If you are an 'original' writer, no to worry. Changing the names to ones like, 'Gary and Drake' will do the trick.

Of course, you may be underage (in which case, don't tell us) or prudish, and find yourself incapable of transcribing such scenes as will inevitably occur. In that case: go write some RHr hand-holding fluff or adjust both of you Models' rating to the appropriate setting: G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17, etc. (A note; if your Significant other/a non-Fandom person walks into the room when NC-17 is on, _immediately_ burst into tears and sob about how 'my toys are broken.' Add innocent looks and pouts, stir and bake.)

If you are plagued by real life, work or school, a nanny-cam is a good option. It's for their own good, of course. They might, er, get in trouble …

Some popular companion models to the HARRY POTTER are the DRACO MALFOY, the SEVERUS SNAPE, the LUCIUS MALFOY, the RON WEASLEY or the CEDRIC DIGGORY.

**Unpacking Your HARRY POTTER**

Unlike other Models, your HARRY POTTER will be difficult to tempt out of his crate. He is used to small, confined spaces such as cupboards or broomclosets. He feels safe in his crate, and may refuse to come out.

Your method of operation should be as follow:

1) Your HARRY POTTER has arrived from the factory with 'canon' mode as his default. Therefore, you must switch your second model (or, if your HARRY POTTER is For You, borrow a neighbor's -- it doesn't matter which) to 'fanon' mode…

2). And order him in the crate with your HARRY POTTER. Within moments, he will run out screaming and _never_ venture into a crate again.

--WARNING-- The model in 'fanon' mode may attempt to chase. In that case, keep elephant tranquilizer and heavy sticks handy.

--WARNING-- If a CEDRIC DIGGORY is used, the HARRY POTTER may detect no alarming change in behavior and politely repeat as many times as necessary that he has know how to take a bath by himself since he was three.

--WARNING OF DOOM!-- If, by some freak accident, your HARRY POTTER arrives from the factory in 'fanon' mode … the following will occur: they will _never_ come out. Attempting to force them out by sending in one or two more Models won't work, especially if said Models are from the Weasley Division. Therefore, be careful about who you send in the crate in the first place. If you are worried about visibility …

1). Move the crate somewhere you feel is appropriate, like your dining room table (you might want to eat in your kitchen from then on).

2). Using a large, shiny axe, chop away the cart.

3). Enjoy the show!

**More Uses!**

Your HARRY POTTER has a variety of varied and useful uses, some of which will be explained here.

**Housewife**:

The HARRY POTTER can clean, dust, tidy, and just about an other chore necessary in the upkeep of your house. He can also cook very well, a specialty being lemon meringue pie. He will do all of this without much complaint, though if he starts glaring, shouting, or sulking … you should be informed that you are then running the risk of being 'accidentally' inflated.

**Model**:

You would be surprised how many people would pay for calendars/photos/videos of your HARRY POTTER. Appropriately clothed, of course. If that pesky Ministry of Magic shows up, say that the media in question is a clever manip.

**Generator**:

Let's say that your entire city block loses electricity. You, unlike your luckless neighbors, have an ace up your sleeve -- 'fanon' Harry. Who just so happends to be … drum roll please! … All-Powerful! Ask him to light up your house with his Super-Coolio-Energy-Channeling-Thing. Don't worry _how_ he can, that's why it's called _Fanon_ mode. Truth, he could light up the entire city … but you wouldn't want to … strain him.

--WARNING!-- In All-Powerful mode, your HARRY POTTER might have a sudden urge to become THE DARK LORD, Version Two. Really, you could just light a few candles.

**Comic Relief**:

Your HARRY POTTER is unintentionally funny … very, very funny. In 'canon' mode, his mood swings and propensity to shout "Expecto Patronum" and "Sectumsempra" at everything that moves is _terribly_ entertaining. In 'fanon' mode … the possibilities are endless. You could start off with him listing off his entire family line, which often includes Merlin and God. Or, take a listen to his _band_. You'll be smiling the entire day, we guarantee it.

**FAQ**

**1). My HARRY POTTER has taken to playing peeping tom to/stalking my neighbor's GINNY WEASLEY. Help!**

Ah. This brief phase of infatuation is perfectly normal and easily cured. Watch 'Spider-man' with him a few times, explaining the plot if necessary. He'll put on a brave face and realize it wasn't meant to be.

--WARNING!-- Burn all available copies of 'Spider-man 2.'

**2). My HARRY POTTER has taken to talking in parseltongue to my new bathroom fixtures. He won't leave them alone, obviously suffering from sort of sad dementia. What can I do?**

This is actually normal. If you wish, know that it isn't not - in fact - dementia, and let him continue. It's perfectly harmless. You might want to move his food and water dish in the bathroom, however. A better solution, switch him to 'fanon' mode and suggest he use his talents on a more receptive object. For example, SLYTHERIN models seem to particularly enjoy it.

**3). My HARRY POTTER won't stop staring morosely into a small, mirror-like object not included on the HARRY POTTER Accessories List. He even cries sometimes. What can I do about it?**

First, travel to your local pet store and purchase the largest, ugliest black dog you can find. Name it "Snuffles" and present it to your HARRY POTTER. Having a REMUS LUPIN doing the presenting might add some credibility, especially if the dog you found wasn't exactly like the above description. Mumble something about "Stuck permanently like this" and run off before your HARRY POTTER can ask any more questions.

--WARNING!-- Make sure you're your HARRY POTTER is in 'canon' mode whenever he is in the presence of 'Snuffles,' otherwise scenes might arise unpleasant to … 99 of us.

**4). My HARRY POTTER persists in believing he is a member of the Rohirrim/the new captain of the Enterprise/a Sith Lord. I AM GOING MAD. **

Sorry, but you have received a "Crossover" HARRY POTTER. Most likely he was cross-contaminated at the factory or during shipping. Exchange him directly, your sanity depends on it.

**5). I try to hide my diary, but my HARRY POTTER keeps sticking bloody basilisks teeth through it. Then he wants me to thank him for saving me! When I try to tell him it's _my_ diary, he attempts to kill me. Obviously, he hasn't succeeded, but I am quite worried for the future. **

I see. I suggest a Livejournal.

**6). My HARRY POTTER is _popping out children_ with revolting little names like 'James' and 'Lily,' -- or worse 'Siri' or 'Draca.' AAAH.**

Yet another reason 'canon' mode is preferable. Mostly. Borrow a SIRIUS and/or REMUS to help your two models learn the _Trojanus_ spell (they've had practice).

**7). My HARRY POTTER has a bed _reserved_ in the local hospital! **

Hahaha. Tell him firmly that bruises, cuts, abrasions, broken bones and the like are _not_ rugged, manly, or attractive in the least. To emphasize your point, passionately snog/have your second model passionately snog the nearest (immaculately groomed and flawless) MALFOY. If your second model happens to be a MALFOY, remember that there are more than one of them.

**8). My HARRY POTTER frequently falls on the ground screaming and clutching his forehead. After these incidents, he insists he must leave to go … like, save the world or something. NOOOO! **

Ah. Now would be the opportune moment to tell him the shocking truth or the _real_ soon-to-be savior of the wizarding world, his twin sister Harriet. The _girl_-who-lived, of course.

**9). My grandmother's antique locket collection has gone missing. When I ask my HARRY POTTER about it, he gets all shifty eyes and asks me who my grandmother was, _anyways?_ **

Start the process of accepting that you will never see them again. Ask your grandmother to pretty-please join the witness protection program or at the very least, switch addresses.

**10). Although I have set my two models' ratings at 'NC-17,' they seem to be (frustratingly enough) developing a caring, _slowly_ escalating relationship. I can't take any more picnics or soul-baring conversations by the fire!**

All models come from the factory with a default setting of '50 Chapters' --- safety/legal concerns, of course. 'Very-Short-Oneshot' might be a better setting for your particular style of writing. Or even 'Drabble,' if your attention span is incredibly short.

**Guarantee**:

Due to the fact that the HARRY POTTER is loved by millions who would _cry_ if he died, we cannot guarantee that he won't. (See, SIRIUS BLACK, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE).

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** Fin**

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Reviews equal crack. Oh, and I'm planning on doing more of these -- Draco, Sevvie, Voldie, etc. Stay tuned.


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